


The Hour of the Star

by Jennifer-Oksana (JenniferOksana)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, M/M, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2016-01-09
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:26:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5674423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferOksana/pseuds/Jennifer-Oksana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a night with a thousand stars...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hour of the Star

The world is spinning so fast so fast and the air is cold and my blood is warm and I’m in love with a true blue man and all the stars are out and the sky is black like ink.

I could die like this.

I will die like this, tonight. I realize this as my body clenches into the fetal position, and each breath I take screams with the agony of broken ribs. I will die. There will be no reprieve at the judgement bar. The stars are my only witness.

I will die for him.

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I never dreamed it would be like this, my blood in a great pool of sticky wet warm, my head aching and my eyes– my eyes are tired. They don’t want to stay open any more but if I close my eyes then it’s all over and the choruses of hell await.

Watch out, big man. Big man, that was me. I was the man. I went where I pleased, and if you sneered at me wrong I erased that sneer with my fist or my gun and you learned your lesson. Me me me, that was the lesson I learned, the only lesson I wanted to learn. Then I met fucking Fox Mulder and everything went straight to hell.

I had to play junior to him, first time for everything. I learned to even like it, _what are we going to do today, oh wise and knowing Agent Mulder?_ He bought that wide-eyed act, hook line and sinker. Hell, he’d already gotten the real deal from Scully. Angel Scully, their great mistake. I don’t know about her. Something is definitely fishy about Scully. How she changed Mulder, how Mulder changed her, how they as a unit starting fucking with the system we all came up with– I don’t trust her. I think maybe she’s more than any of us think.

I think too much and there’s not enough blood left in my body to think. I am going to die today and I’m not gonna be a happy fucking phantom. I’m not chasing nuns in the yard. No, sir. I am a dead fucking bastard and that is that. I try to look up at the stars and just stay alive for another second.

Another second, God!

I loved him. That’s the fucking crown of all jokes in the universe. I learned that I wanted him, I thought maybe I was just crazy and if I started fucking him, I’d be through with Mulder. But I caught him and he stuck. No antibiotics got him out of my bloodstream.

As I’ve discovered, the Mulder is a fatal illness. I caught it and I will die, sticky, sore, staring at these shimmering lights in the sky that never were the enemy, never were the enemy. I think about all of Mulder’s “informants” and how catching Mulder killed them dead. Just like me.

Angel Scully, what’s your secret? How do you live so well? Why isn’t your blood all over an alley? Why isn’t your purple-red heart broken and hastening the inevitable? Who are you?

Couldn’t believe my actual luck. I did finally get to fuck him. One twilight, one enchanted evening I discovered him. I found him alone in his apartment on a day when the end of the world seemed to be two weeks away instead of ten minutes, on a day when there was possibly more to living than his driving quest.

“Hey, there,” I said, walking in. He grabbed his gun, but it was more a dumb reflex than any actual hatred. Maybe he forgot about the old man. Maybe he just wanted a night where the sex was real. He didn’t have any lights on in his apartment. Everything was shadows, fading light.

Fading light, on the pavement in the alley, I’m going to die in a pool of blood and I think urine. Even if it’s not mine. The lights are all spinning dizzily and my head is playing violin dirges in the dark. There’s no moon in the alley, just stars and stars and stars, millions of them.

Only the stars will be here when I die. I won’t even have the dignity of my killer spitting on me, finished. They left me alone and in this condition, so that I could die and die and die and still live. A reward from my masters: the lords of Hell.

He kissed me and it felt like a drug. The stubble of his beard dragged against my cheek my chest my stomach my back my ass my thigh my everything, he kissed me and I couldn’t think any more. I let him fuck me like a two-bit whore, I cried for him like a woman and I don’t know why. I let him be the man, and I was always the one who spelled trouble.

I never dreamed that I’d fall in love with a true-blue man, and that I’d die with his kiss on my lips. My love, my only love, my eyes ache!

My eyes are sore and they feel like they’re about to fall from their sockets. I force myself to stare at the sky and ignore the cold because it’s so cold and I’m alone and I loved him.

I went back and back. I was a dangerous man who became a dangerous fool. I gave Mulder everything. I knew he wasn’t giving me anything, not of himself. Love is all in the soul of the lover. No reciprocation. He didn’t love me. I pleasured him. I screamed for him. I sufficed for him. Nothing transcendent. Nothing that outlasts the existence of the flowers.

Except once and I think of once with all my fading heartbeat, all of my rapidly decaying mind. I will die tonight, I will die tonight in a black cold alley. The maggots will eat my flesh and if I have a soul, it will go nowhere better than this.

Once. When he didn’t just need a fucktoy. When he didn’t want to pound something, to protest. Mulder, my love, my boy, he doesn’t know how to protest. And he screams protest, every pore oozes protest.

I let him protest.

Once was tonight. Once, I left happy and I knew it would all be different, that he would learn that he’d lied to himself that he needed me that my love was better that he could love even me.

Never again. Never again is what they swore the time before and now it is never and forever and I will stop breathing soon, I hear my breath and it’s weak and soft like a kitten.

He was crying. He made the scrunchy face, and I almost laughed but instead I did what his angel would do, I let him sob in my lap and whispered comfort sounds. He clung to me, me of all the people. It felt right. It felt good.

Tonight, tonight, so bright. Tonight is tomorrow is all of our yesterdays scrunched up into one moment. Twilight and starlight mix in my mind and I wonder why I loved Mulder. Why did I love a man who would only get me into this situation of blood and agony?

I was going back home when I got caught and dropped. Bam, shot rings out, I fall down, someone curses, someone pauses and shoots me again. In the leg. Just for good measure.

“You should have known better,” I hear someone say with contempt. Whoever they are and I know them well and not at all, they stride away without running. Guilty men run.

What will be my last thought before I die? It can’t be long now, whoever I was, the dreams I had and all my hopes are fading like the light left in the world and I want–

I want another second. Just another second and then one more.

Someone passes by and I try to call out but the sound is wet and moist and inhuman. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing makes any sense now. Nothing will ever make sense as the starlight starts to burn out and so long I’m gone and I realize that these are the thoughts of a dying man. I’ve seen so many of them. Now I know what it’s like to be at those last moments, the ones that you make pay extra because they’re your last few, and each second is worth a thousand yesterdays.

I’m dying for him. They killed me over him. Big man Krycek, there are lines you don’t cross and I crossed ’em. But I loved him and I made my own rules and those rules never told me there are some people you just don’t love.

Sirens are ringing in the distance, but I’m so cold and everything is spinning in this completely upside-down world, and I think the seconds are past due. The pool of blood is too big and too cold and I’ll die now and the stars will fade, are fading, the night wraps around me like a blanket and whatever I was and whatever I am collapse and stop and my last thought– _as for the future– as for the future_ –

 


End file.
